May 13, 2007

Lucky with children
Jackie O'Neill's children arrive mostly in pairs

By KATHY GRAY
of the Chronicle

     Jackie O’Neill sits on an overstuffed brown sofa bouncing a restless toddler, two jean-clad teen-agers by her side; her loose brown hair, rolled up jeans and unlined skin all lend to the illusion that she’s not far from the teen years herself.
“We work together sometimes,” says Jordan, 15, “and when I call her ‘Mommy,’ there will be people who ask my mother ‘When did you have her? When you were 12?’”
     Jackie gave birth to Jordan when she was 21, and then kept going, giving birth to Taylor and Kendall, both now 13; Jack, 11; Bailey and Sydney, both 9; and finally to Rachel and John, both 15 months.
     That tallies up to eight children, including three sets of twins.
“People always ask if we’re done [yes], and if we’re Catholic or Morman [No],” says Jackie.
     The next question might be “Why?” Her answer: “I never really thought about it that much, but I never would have guessed eight. There’s just something about having babies in the house ...”
     John and Rachel are most likely the last babies in the family. Jackie nearly died after a complicated cesarian led to severe hemmorhaging. She required a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding and was unconscious for three days afterward.
     “I remember them telling me they were going to do a hysterectomy and that my husband needed to leave,” she recalls. “I could sense the seriousness in the room, the urgency. I noticed the changes in the voices. And I remember the anesthesiologist saying if they didn’t get that blood right now I was in big trouble.”
     Bailey and Sydney, the next youngest and only identical twins in the family, were also a difficult birth. They were born eight weeks early and weighed only a pound apiece.
     “People were stunned when I got pregnant with John and Rachel,” Jackie said. “People would say why would you take that chance? I’ve never won the lottery, so I guess my luck has always been with children.”
     Mark O’Neill, John and Rachel’s dad and Jackie’s second husband, is an Oregon State Police trooper.
     His introduction to the children as Jackie’s romantic interest was a gradual process.
     “When we were dating, I let him get to know the kids. They didn’t know he was my boyfriend.” They’d meet at the park, where emphasis was on the kids.
“He taught the little ones how to swim, and build sand castles. He purposely ignored me.”
     Mark adds, “Then one day, when we were done swimming, Jackie said, ‘Can Mr. O’Neil come home and have dinner?’”
     He joined the family four years ago, and now takes the large family in stride.
“He was a little disappointed that we can’t have more,” says Jackie. “It seems normal to us to have this activity.”
     “It’s nice to have somebody exactly the same age to grow up with and to play with, nice for John and Rachel,” Mark says, then gestures toward the rest of the family, “and it’s great for these guys, too.”
     Mark grew up part of a “small” family of four in a mostly Catholic part of Pennsylvania dairy country where the average family was much larger.
     “I went over to families of 13 or 14 to play and it was pretty neat,” he says. “So this wasn’t unfamiliar. I think a lot of my worries were financial, how to care for a family this big. But you just budget.”
     On an average day, Jackie rises at about 5:30 a.m.
     “That gets Mark off to work and gives time for a couple of cups of coffee for me,” she says.
     The children wake up about 7. For the last two years, Jackie has home schooled the family, starting between 8:30 and 9 each morning, lunch at noon, then the older kids do their school work on the computer in the afternoon.
The TV usually comes on about 4 p.m. for Dr. Phil, a family favorite, then dinner is around 5.
     “We always have dinner together as a family, around the kitchen table. The kids always laugh at the commercials where they say you should have dinner together three times a week,” Jackie says, eliciting giggles around the room.
Evenings may involve some TV, but definitely Bible study, for the religious family.      “We’re very active in our church.”
     Bedtime for the children is 8 or 9 p.m., depending on age.
     That’s when Mark and Jackie get some private time together.
     “You’ve got to take care of your marriage,” Jackie says. “I tell them they’ve got all day of my time and we get the evening.”
Sometimes, the children make dinner and take care of the babies, making room for a longer evening for the couple, notes Kendall. And sometimes it’s family night.
     “Usually, once a week is junk food movie night,” Jackie notes, where the viewing fare rates a PG or G. “We’re very conservative.”
     That means a dress code for the children, no MySpace and no cell phones.
     “We keep close tabs on them,” Jackie says. “We don’t think they need to act like adults in their teen-age years. Anymore, that’s a very conservative point of view.”
     Despite home schooling, which was a personal, not religious decision, the children remain active in Arlington school activities, and maintain friendships established at school.
     They go to most of the school’s athletic events and to dances. They play flashlight tag almost every weekend, and are involved in church activities.
     At home, the noise and frenzy that outsiders might expect is conspicuously absent.
     “Most people, when they picture a family of eight, picture chaos,” Jackie says. “It’s not that bad. They’re conditioned to take turns and chip in.”
     The older children all help with the babies, and they all share in the housework, following a chore chart that changes assignments daily.
     “I think when you have a lot of kids, especially twins, it’s harder to spoil them — it’s not about the individual,” Jackie says.
     The children have been taught young how to behave properly in public places, including nice restaurants.
     “We walk into a restaurant and people look like they’re thinking, ‘Please don’t seat them next to me,” Jackie says. “But by the time we leave, we’re usually getting compliments.”
     The same was true on a passenger jet during a recent family trip to Washington, D.C.
     Included in the O’Neill household is a menagerie of animals: three dogs — including a rambunctious Newfoundland pup the size of a small pony — a handful of barn cats, a bird and two horses, which are boarded. They also stretch their food budget by raising cows and pigs for meat, and cultivating a vegetable garden.
     Packaged food is largely absent from the pantry.
     “I can put together hamburger and noodles and seasonings for a lot less than Hamburger Helper,” Jackie says.
     Living in a small town helps with the budget, Mark adds.
     “The thing about Arlington is that you can have a very big house that’s very affordable,” he says — the O’Neills’ house has five bedrooms. “I think, with a family this size, we’re in a good spot.”
     “It’s hard to be this far away from the doctor, the grocery store, the dry cleaner,” Jackie admits. “It adds to the challenge.”
     A trip to the grocery store takes all day in the family’s 12-passenger van.
     “Our town calls it the O’Neill Mobile,” says Kendall.
     With three pairs in the family, Jackie has made a study of twins.
     “In each set of twins, there’s definitely the organized one — the leader — and one that tends to nurture the other one,” she says. Usually, it’s the one that’s born first, or would have been born first in a natural birth in the case of Bailey and Sydney, who were born by cesarian section.
     “Taylor is not the oldest, but she is the nurturer of our family; she’s the one that’s responsible,” Jackie says. “If I’m not home for some reason and dinner needs to be made, she does it. She’s the one that gets most of the extra work, because I know I can count on her to get it done and done right.”
     Jordan, the oldest at 15, is the one most likely to help her mother in the middle of the night.
     “When I get woke up, I’m awake,” Jordan says.
     “Jordan is an excellent helper to work alongside me,” Jackie says.
Jack and Jordan were the only single births.
     “Sometimes I wish I was a twin, then again, I think I would hate it in some situations,” Jordan says. “But I like being in a big family. It’s fun and entertaining.”
     Kendall is the family comedienne, says Jackie.
     Then Jack, 11, proudly declares: “I am the fun one in this family.”
Jack’s also a hard worker out of doors, and is “very very smart,” Jackie says. “He always amazes us with his memory. I don’t know if it’s truly a photographic memory, but it’s close.”
     Asked what the children have learned from their mother, Kendall responds, “Not to judge people, and if you don’t like someone, don’t be rude to them.”
Cooking, is Taylor’s response. “When it came around fair time, my favorite thing I liked helping cook was roast. I ended up getting the grand champion at the fair.”
Sydney agrees with her sister on the cooking issue.
     “They make really good pancakes,” notes Kendall of Sydney and Bailey, her twin.
     For Bailey the lesson was manners, “and how to take care of the babies, and lots and lots of other stuff.”
     Jordan is in agreement on child care. “I’ll really appreciate that when I have my own kids.”
     Jack thinks a bit, then says, “She taught me to be nice,” then adds, “Mom taught me how to build and Dad taught me how to clean.”
     Jackie built the stalls in the barn, with Jack’s help.
     Overall, her goal has been to create a nurturing and structured home for the children.
     “She’s a very loving mother, very nurturing,” Mark says. “She definitely has her children’s best interest in mind. I think that shows in the home schooling.      And she has a lot of patience.”
     Jackie grew up in a family of five in Junction City. But the household wasn’t always stable, and the children frequently stayed in her grandmother’s home. As the oldest girl at home through many of those years, she was the caretaker.
     “A stable home was a real goal of mine — something I’m actively working on. We were raised in a wealthy family and I realized that money and privilege don’t equal happiness,” she said.
     Her grandmother’s traditional life presented a role model for Jackie.
“She was just very down to earth. [My grandparents] spent their money very wisely. They weren’t flashy people, even though they had plenty. They had a garden, raised their own meat. They had chickens, fresh eggs, a wholesome lifestyle. That’s something I wanted to pass on to my kids, to understand the value of working and the value of a dollar, and that there’s something more to life than possessions.”