I’m so excited. There’s a baby on the way! I can't tell you how long I've waited for this -- years and years and years, ever since the wedding. Not my wedding, silly: Will and Kate's.
I get to call them Will and Kate, even though they don't know me from Adam, because I’m a reporter. It’d be rude if you did it, but we reporters are almost part of the family -- the part of the family they don't let in the house. And now we're having a baby!
Our baby will be the most wonderful baby in the world. This child’s diapers will smell like roses; its spit-up could be bottled and sold like vintage Dom Perignon. I’m just so excited, because there’s nothing we reporters get more excited about than babies. And if their parents are celebrities or rich or royal, we really get excited. And guess what? This baby’s parents are all three. I can’t think of a baby who deserves all this attention more, can you? After all this baby's done for us, how can we not love it?
We are much too busy reporting on the babies of celebrities to spend any time with our own babies. That’s why we know so little about babies who don’t have press agents, lawyers or spokespeople.
One of my own babies, Frank or Bob or whatever his name is, called me yesterday. It turns out he’s graduating from college, and he wants to make sure I’m not coming to the ceremony.
“You missed my kindergarten graduation because you were covering a baby who fell down a well. You never came to one football game because some birth mother wanted to keep a baby. When I graduated from high school, you were covering Tom Cruise’s baby. Well, Peter and I don’t have time for you. We're busy with our own lives. And if we ever have children, we're not going to tell you.”
Peter, that’s it! My other boy’s name is Peter. Which makes me think, maybe I can do a front-page story on what the royals will name their baby. Wouldn't it be great if it were a boy and they named him Prince? He could go through most of his life as Prince Prince. What if they have twins? Would one get to be king because he was born two minutes before his brother? That doesn’t seem fair. It's as if someone gets to be a wealthy ruler just because he was born, not because he earned it or deserved it more than any other baby.
What if it’s twin girls and they both want to be queen? Better yet, what if it’s twin boys and they both want to be queen? That’d be the story of the century, and I’d have it first because I have it now! It doesn’t matter that it may never happen. I’m writing it. It’s too good a story not to print.
Some wonder if we reporters should spend so much time chasing the overprivileged parents of an overprivileged baby, a baby we wouldn’t be writing about if its parents were commoners who lived next door to us. But if the commoner’s baby fell down a well, then we'd care about it. There’d be hundreds of reporters on the front lawn in 12 seconds flat.
But I’d be there first because I live next door. I'd get all the exclusive interviews because we're neighbors, so it’s practically my baby. Not that we’ve ever had the parents over for dinner or anything. After all, they are common. What's the baby's name again?
Will the royal baby fall down a well? Not unless I can talk my editor into hiring a team to secretly dig baby-sized wells in the side yard of Buckingham Palace and cover them with a thin layer of grass. No, that’s crazy talk. Besides, our paper’s budget is much too tight for that.
Contact Jim Mullen at JimMullenBooks.com.